I’ve been told that I’m a free spirit which there is no denying that I am… but I also have fears too.
I fear the thought of having kids more than the average human. I fear that my future children will have all my worst qualities, from anxiety, OCD, to depression and learning disabilities. I fear that they’ll be as self critical as I am at times. I wonder about where it would take my business if we had kids. I wonder about all the “What if we can’t have kids or are we meant to have kids?” I have a lot of fears around the thought of children. There is no doubt in my mind that Walker would make an amazing dad and I want to give that to him one day.
I’ve really had to work to get to a place of “loving myself” + letting go of the misconception that I have to have it together and in order to embrace some of my beautiful chaotic ways that make me, me. Self love is frigging hard.
I’ve always struggle with talking about emotions + playing off that I’m good even when I’m not in the best headspace. In past few years I’ve really been trying to focus on me. I know that sounds very vain to word it that way but I want to try and be the best version of myself.
Mental health for me has been my focus + I say this with a proud heart that I feel like I’ve come along way from the insecure girl who intentionally overdosed on her dad’s sleeping medication 10 years ago. Thankfully I failed at that attempt. Almost 3 years of counseling was one of the best things I could have done for myself. Dr. Pace changed my life + I think he’s in heaven above proud of how far I’ve come.
That’s the first time I’ve ever talk about it publicly. Believe me it’s not easy but even if I’m impacting one person that’s my goal.
I have a lifetime of pushing myself to be the best + happiest version of me. I’m learning to embrace my chaos + pick myself up when I’m down through healthy alternatives through fitness, continuing education, and holistic ways.. I’m thankful for every season of my life. It’s allowed me to have a very open heart to the broken, empower others, stand by the believers, understand the depressed, and be there for the anxious.
We all have our own set of chaos and problems and we need community to help us through our brokenness. We are all broken in our own ways. Life isn’t easy. Being a human isn’t easy. Being the best version of ourself is really hard + self love is harder. But we’ve got to try.
I’m starting to love the person I see when I look in the mirror. I don’t pick myself apart like I use to. I use to hate my bigger hips and legs with a burning passion. I’m now seeing it that I’m thankful I have working legs and hips that once day will hopefully carry children. I can smile confidently knowing I’m proud of who I’ve become. My perspective has shifted and despite all the hardships + life lessons I’ve put myself through, I’m thankful for it.
I attended the @photonativeworkshop in Cali this past week. Let me tell you, I laughed, I cried, I met some truuuuly inspiring people who allowed me to see life and perspective from a different angle.
It was so powerful + just what I needed. I am so thankful for this workshop and the people that God placed in my life at this workshop.
Trina and I have been communicating on social media for about 2 years now. She said, “You should come to this workshop with me.” I’m so glad I did.
I’ve died and went to heaven over and over again each time she posts. She blew me away with the empowerment session I did with her. Forever thankful + grateful for the friendships this job has brought into my life.
These are for you my new best friend. <3
Let the light in.
